my year of what didn't happen-

it's for the plot!

These lingering days of December, tend to stir up emotions for most. The internet becomes inundated with yearly recaps and ambitious resolutions. ‘How-to’s’ for vision boards and manifesting and habit tracking. All in good faith. There is value in setting intentions and taking stock in the past-

But I am here to pose the question: What if all that you envisioned for your future does not come to be? It is easy to forget, that fixtures in your life that feel so monumentally certain can cease to exist. Nothing, truly, is permanent.

So, let me be your poster child for life’s uncertainty.

My year of what didn’t happen-

I was recently on a date. We sat under the moody lighting of an old-hollywood Italian spot. My bare legs stuck to the red leather booth, knees touching his corduroy pants. “I just got out of a long term relationship,” my male companion said. “It happened two months ago. We were together for two years”. I took a sip of my dirty martini. “Mines’ worse.” I sang. This is where I see what kind of man I am dealing with. “Tell me.” I don’t think he will take this well. “I was engaged to be married.” With no hesitation, “So you broke off the your wedding?” “No. He dumped me.” I take another gulp of my drink and stare him in the eyes. Dating had become a game for me at that point. I was leaving this city anyway. “Oh.” He drinks his martini. This is where the blood drains from their faces. This uncovered information either scares straight men or wildly turns them on. And tonight, the broken hearted art director, in the cute loafers and crewneck sweater, spent the next four hours make-shifting me into the girlfriend he missed. While simultaneously fearing I might be a little bit crazy. Men look for the problems now. I am a perceived failed investment.

I dread the pity painted on people’s faces. My presence causing discomfort to individuals who champion stability. My life has proven to be the opposite. And it is unsettling to many- because still to this day- no one saw this coming. A woman like me? Never!

I didn’t get married, despite the solitaire diamond on my finger. I didn’t have the postcard Palm Springs wedding with the man who devoted ten years. I didn’t touched my extensive list of creative and career endeavors. I didn’t take care of my health. Lost too much weight, and couldn’t sleep at night. I spent months crying in bed wondering how I could see my future with so much color and detail, when in actuality, it was impossible to occur-

My imagination is one of my most impressive tools. I have always been a mastermind at ‘crafting a life.’ A powerful persuader to myself and others to believe in its potential. Sit back and fall in love with the story, while I smoothly pull the pieces together.

I never thought this would lead to my downfall. Building for the unrealized, instead of seeing what was right in front me. It was more reckless than I could comprehend.

But now I see, I was envisioning a life that was too small. I boxed in my dreams neatly, to fit the story I was writing. I believe he knew that too. He saw, one day, in our future, I would be unsatisfied with this life I so safely assembled for us. I couldn’t see that then, but now I do.

So, why don’t we celebrate failures at the end of the year? Maybe there are victories within the defeat? Accepting my shortcomings has only lead to more fulfillment. I want to see that on my timelines and insta-stories and yearly recaps. Our lives do not need to contain easily digestible plot-lines. I want to see humans who bravely exist in the mess of it all. That choose not to be labeled or defined by the things that didn’t happen. Who straddle the line between their darkest pain and blissed out happiness.

Tomorrow, I will be on a plane to New York City. I am moving with three suitcases and a few shipped brown boxes. I have a sunny sublet in Williamsburg, only a few train stops away from my best friends. I don’t have a job, but trust that I will make it work. For once, I am solely gambling on myself. Me a year ago would have never believed this. She would be sad. But I’d tell her, trust me, the best is yet to come. You always dreamed of living in that city- you just didn’t allow yourself to do so.

Cheers to the cruel impossible that happened to me. I thought I knew how my life was going to unfold. It didn’t happen. But now that leaves me with the opportunity to believe the impossible can continue to happen in life- but now- in the most fucking beautiful ways.

Farewell, 2022. You completely destroyed me. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that-